superpance (superpance) wrote,

Broken Heart [no. 2]

There are seven stages of grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Anything traumatic would cause grief, and I believe I'm grieving. That's ok, I'm allowed to. I just don't know which stage I'm in. For brief periods of time, I just hope that I can cut myself off from her and she'll realize how much she misses me. Then the logic kicks in and I realize she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She realized this all ready and no amount of time is going to make her feel like she needs me still. Other times I feel mad that someone came into my life for eleven months, consuming practically every day I had, and then up and left. That's where the one half of my body is, at work or at school. I need to regenerate that other side of my body: a new leg, a new arm, et cetera. That's when I swear off love all together, saying I'll never let myself become vulnerable or derive my happiness from another again. I know in my mind that I am just going to get over this eventually.

For someone still in love with another, here is the most bizarre and inconceivable thing: I'm going to forget her. I'm going to simply live my days until she becomes so insignificant that us being together has no relevance on my day to day life. I'll forgot all the cute little things she does, or the letters and gifts she gave to me. She gave me quite a few pictures, and when will I really look at them? I hate to throw them out, because I think they were beautiful things. She is beautiful. Unfortunately, she can't be beautiful. The relationship I was part of just died and now I spend "x" amount of time just forgetting about her. We can say "I'll always love you," but in actuality, I'm going to forget about her. I'm not going to be her friend: I never was before we started dating, and I don't see how I can honestly heal and let her even in my sight. I have to block her out; I have to stop looking at her profile, wondering when she's going to have someone else's name in it, I have to stop looking at her myspace, wondering when some guy leaves her a comment saying "I really liked hanging out with you last night" or when she'll change her status to "in a relationship." That's how I made it official we were dating, I asked her if I could change my myspace status to "in a relationship." It was silly, but it was roundabout and that's how I like things.

Someday I'll rememberance how much confidence she gave me. How much happiness she gave me. How wonderful every day was. But right now, I'm just wishing she would change her mind. Wishes come from the optimistic heart, not the cynical mind.

It hurts to feel alone.
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